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The
Worst Feeling
I'm sitting here disbelieving
Uncomfortably numb
Tears flowing
I can't think straight
Shake my head violently
NO!
How did this happen?
What did I do?
My head starts to throb
I can't breathe, it hurts too bad
I want to scream, cry out
But I can only resort to silent sobs
Please don't do this, I beg
Wondering, hoping, so confused
I just can't seem to understand
Where did we go wrong?
I feel so out of control
So destroyed
My "all in all"
Is now my nothing
As my whole body shakes, I realize
I've never felt this a before
I care so deeply
I love him, I know
Though he doesn't believe me
Brightside, everyone has their shadows
I guess I'm yours, shunned to a corner
Why? As my desperation turns to anger
I'm starting to wonder
Maybe it's not me who's lying
Maybe it's him
Time
+ Love = Enemies
Many things have gone unsaid
Because Time did not permit it
It's not on our side
Things I could do
But the clock just ran out
Me and the seconds
Are at war
I want more, but it wants less
The faster, the better it says
That's why love falls apart
Time goes by too quickly
For people to pull things back together
People love to say
Time heals all wounds
But that's not true
No amount of time could heal these inflictions
In my heart
Time is my enemy
And hate is my friend
To
my Mr. Brightside
Don’t play with my emotions
Tell me how you feel and
I’ll tell you how I feel and
Then maybe we can get past this and
Start talking again, slowly at first
Just maybe
Talk to me
Tell me when I am being irritating
Let me know because I don’t
Want anything like what happened before
Happen again
Never ever
Let me tell you I love you
And believe me
No doubt here in my heart
And I hope none in yours
Because I do love you
So much
Cry on my shoulder
When things go wrong
When you just can’t take it anymore
When you just need to let it out
I’ll cry with you
Many tears
Read everything I’ve ever written about you
And then you will know
How much I really do care
How you are my all in all
And you will know that I can’t live
Without you
Familiar
Friend
"Daddy, no! Daddy stop, daddy please don't!" I cry
As he hits me repeatedly
I scream, his fists like fury
I can smell the alcohol on his breath
So many bruises
As he hits my face, my back, my legs
He chokes me
Tells me I'm a worthless little whore like my mother
As I cry, I wonder how many others go through this
Why do I have a monster for a father?
Then he stops, just walks off, done
Leaving me in agony, huddled in the corner
Watching him go, half expecting him to turn around
As soon as he's gone I jump up
Run to the bathroom
Shut and lock the door
Look in the mirror at my reflection
Turn on the faucet
Open the drawer, and find my razor
Feel a sense of relief only it could bring
Slowly slicing into my skin
The blood trickling down my arm
Deeper, I command
Pushing the blade down hard
Steadily pushing
Blood races down my wrists
Pain is my familiar friend
Plunging deeper
I begin to feel weak
So weak
I fall, hit the ground
I have one last thought before I pass out:
I hope I die
Scream
Don't act like you don't know
Don't act like you're on stage, putting on a show
Because I've been backstage
And you see my rage
In my eyes, brimming with tears
Because of all the beatings through the years
And the helpless feeling and all that I did
God damn you I was just a little kid!
Cutting myself and taking lots of pills
But do you know how that feels?
To think that one day your dad might kill you
And that there isn't anything you can do
As I sit here crying over this
I know that you, I will never miss
Inside I'm dying, yelling and fighting, it seems
Daddy, can you even hear me scream?
| | |
| Looking back on my life, I wonder how I've made it this far. All the
stuff I have went through. And now I live with the constant fear of my
father and this loathing hatred for both of my parents. I am 11 years
old and I've seen more in the last eleven years than I want to know.
I've seen my dad punch out windows and hit my mother's face. I've seen
my mom sleep with more guys in one month than I can count on my
fingers. It's kinda sad, aint it? I've had this emotional problem all
of my life where the littlest things make me cry. And my temper flares
up easily. But anyway this is just what I learned (and who from) that
makes me who I am.
THE BEGINING
Raising a child must have been too difficult for my mother. She was
more interested in men and drinking, which is why I have a little
sister who doesn't know who her father is. She left us home alone a
lot, sometimes for days. I thought maybe she didn't love us because she
acted like she didn't care very much. I thought I had done something
wrong. So the DHS took us away. Of course we couldn't go to my
alcoholic dad who was in prison at the time, so we went to our
grandmother's. But my brother, Cole, couldn't come because he didn't
have the same grandmother, so he went to his nana’s. I think my mom
made me a strong person. She rejected me. She ignored me, only paying
attention to me when it was convenient for her. And that taught me
something about the "real world". She taught me that not everyone has
to care.
At my grandma's we (my brother and I) were okay. My grandma made me
strong. She IS crazy as hell. So I don't know what she taught me
but....she made me stand up for myself and my mom and my dad. That's
not something I do. But she talks about them like she actually knows
something. And she thinks everything was worse on Joseph my younger
brother when we got taken away from our mom. He was 2 years old. He
doesn't even remember. So she spoils him and loves him. She doesn't
like me very much. All well, I don't like her either. But she taught me
that people don't love equally.
My dad made me strong. He hit me, threatened me. It was hard taking it
all in. He is my biggest problem. So many tears that were shed because
of him. I kept wondering when he was going to stop. When he would just
DIE. But he made me what I am today.....a fighter. He taught me that I
would have to deal with whatever comes my way.
Last is my oldest and best friend. And I don't mean friends with hearts
and brains and cells and well, living. I mean my teddy bear, Theodore.
He was/is my best friend. When there was no one else, there was him. He
was my shoulder to cry on. My rock to lean. My support. I could tell
him everything and feel that he hurt just as bad as I did. He cried
when I cried. He never had to talk back. And knowing that he wouldn't
judge me....well, that was a great feeling. Without him I couldn't be
what I am. He was always there and never ever let me down. He knew and
had seen everything I had ever gone through. He loved me for who I was
and who I am. He saw me at my worst moments, and he is still with me
today. When I was weak he was strong. He taught me that some people do
care.
Without my mom, my dad, my grandmother, and Theodore, I don't think I
could be what I am. And looking back, I'm sure I left something out.
But I don't want to tell my whole life story. That wasn't the purpose
of this. It was to tell you who made me who I am. Now you know how I am
so emotional and angry and sad and depressed and yet happy. And if you
haven't you'll figure it out. My mom and my dad can't hurt me anymore.
But...other people can. And they have and they will. But that's what I
have Theodore for. Thank you for reading this. Bear in mind this is not
the "whole" story. But this is my story for now.....
| | |
| We all know just how ture my status is. Some know a little too well
*long sigh*. It could be a romantic love or the love you feel for your
best friend. Currently my situation is with my best friend. I mean I
love her to death but she's almost exactly like me now. Who wants a
best friend who almost a photo-copy of you in a sense? I don't! I mean
I'll be talkin to her and she will say something so dumb. I mean it's
funny but it's something only I would say. It bothers me because people
seem to like her more and she acts like me! It's kinda like she takin
my personality from me. My originalty. It sucks! I just wish she would
go back to bein really preppy and sayin smart stuff n acting
semi-serious. Now she's tryin to act kinda punk-ish. I mean not poser
or anything but well....I don't know! Normally I would just write a
poem about this but I wanted to explain it first. I'll write the poem
later. I have written a poem about all the times I can't stand Madison
but I need to write one about why I feel that way. I mean I'm not a
prep and she is. I cut up and play too much and she's serious. I'm
short and curvey. She's tall and scrawny but complains that she could
be smaller in the waist. We are exact oposites and that's why I liked
her so much. But now....I'm not so sure. I mean I love her and want her
to be my best friend but she really needs to start acting normal again
instead of acting the way she think she should so people will
notice/like more. I mean FOR EXAMPLE I asked her to stop giving me hell
about a guy I was going out with and to stop raggin on him. And she
said Sorry I will. And then all the sudden we are with Bennett and she
totally forgets that she said she wouldn't talk about the guy. JUST so
Bennett will pay attention because she thinks that's how she has to act
for him to like her or something.!! I don't know but I need sleep. I
just wish she would go back to the way she used to be. She acted
semi-serious and said smart things. But we don't always get what we
wish for........ | | |
| Broken Promise
When she told me she liked him
I was crying so hard I couldn't see
I was thinking about her promise
Why is it always me?
It's not fair, but all's fair in Love
He was mine, she can't take that away
I already know what will happen
I'll have to listen to her talk about him everyday
I'll know about the first time he says "I love you"
And it will tear my heart in two
She promised she wouldn't do that because she loves me more
But if she breaks her promise there isn't much I can do
Why does she get it all?
Why am I aways left crying?
She always gets a reason to be happy
I never do, my spirit slowly dying
He was mine first
Now that's over forever
If I can move on, so can he
But I don't want to see them together
Me And You
Talking to you gives me more than happiness
I could never love another more than you
Oh, how much I smile
When you say "I love you too"
I always worry about you
And wonder what you're doing
I wish I could be with you, always
The fact that I can't, forever looming
I love it when it seems we could talk forever
Though lately we've drifted away
I'm not sure exactly what happened
I guess we just don't know what to say
I wish we could go back
To that special night
We shared the same intimate feeling
In the darkness, there was a light
No more long sweet talks
Nothing pleasing to my ear
I still replay in my mind
Our expressed longings, I hold so dear
My Parents
They only gave me life
Thinking back, the memory cuts like a knife
The pain I endured, the yelling and fighting
It's nice to let it all out in writing
They divorced very quickly, teaching me that love can die
Though at the time, I did not wonder why
I lived with Momma for a while but her drinking took over
Soon I was forced to leave because Momma couldn't stay sober
Off to Mammaw's I went because Daddy was in prison
Of course I didn't understand, Someone else made the decision
Well Mom was holdin on to us, coming on Christmas every year
But there was always something more important like vodka, whiskey, and beer
Daddy came home eventually for a while, but he just couldn't stay here
He went back to jail and we saw him a few times a year
Momma stopped coming but called every now and then
I don't know why but she promised she'd be back again
One day Daddy came home "for good"
Two years later, Momma was once again entering motherhood
Though my brother still doesn't know
We have another little sister by that hoe
I know it's wrong to call her that, but it's true
To me that information is far from new
Daddy, he is no father of mine
Not in jail, it's rehab this time
He said he would kill me, break my arm, and choke me
But now that he's gone I can be worry-free
One day my heart will never be hurt by them agian
Thinking something like that must be a sin
Because in reality it's true and clear
I can't wait till the day that I can think of them and there are no tears
Madison
Everytime she acts
Like something she's not
I just want to slap her
And voice all my hateful thoughts
Everytime she talks about a guy
And she says she loves him, I want to yell
I want to tell her she doesn't know what love is
But I never do tell
Everytime she says something
Totally out of line
I want to hurt her so bad
But I laugh and act like everything is fine
Everytime she goes out with a guy
She knows I like, My heart breaks
I want to cry forever
Till my eyes ache
Everytime she takes me for granted
And acts like I'm suppose to put up with her all the time
I want to end it right there
Because that's not her decison, it's mine
Everytime we get in an aurgument because of something she did
And she says forget about it
I want to cry out in frustration
I want to cuss and hit
Everytime she says "I love ya!"
I want to tell the truth
Deep inside me I know
I hate her, and everything about her, too
Dear Dad
Dear Dad,
I write this with sorrow and anger and bitter tears
Where have you been all these years?
I've hated you for a long time
Not writing this would be a crime
I hate all the stupid shit you do
You never had a clue
I'm tied of fear
Always stepping back when you come near
Yelling, hitting, fighting
Like some nawing pain inside me, biting
I can't take the drinking
It's why our relationship is quickly sinking
I'm glad you've been gone all the while
You never went the "extra mile"
Thanks again for slapping me around
Luckily for you I never made a sound
I'm really glad I wrote this letter
Now I feel a whole lot better
Your Daughter,
Brittany
Something Special
I care for people with addiction
Too many that I love
Though I know who I adore the most
He is the one I can't speak of
He's the glow in my face
The reason for all my smiles
No other like him in the human race
For him I'd run a million miles
He consumes my thoughts, my dreams
He's my all, my everything, my one true love
He's my other half, an element of me it seems
A heavenly angelic creature sent from above
I care for him far more than I could ever care for anyone else
Most people mean nothing compared to him, for there is no other
When I talk to him, my heart just melts
Maybe one day he will be my lover
These are just some of my poems! The rest are on www.writerscafe.org/his_darkside So check them out! I just hope this kind of let's you see the other side of me! BTW Those poems are my trues feelings completly for someone! Well if you need to know something about one of them just ask me!!!!
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| Today in church I really payed attention! I mean we ALL know the story around Easter (those of us who go to church I mean) but today I realy listened!! And I'm glad I did....It was an awesome sermon! But anyway....I do not stay single for long.....*GASP* lol My newest boyfriend is Jimmy Crowe....Me and him were pretty good friends and well ya know....things happen....But last night Madison told me she liked Bennett and Bennett likes her....And I could NOT handle that.....I'm not a strong person at ALL....I started cryin so hard....I just can't get it in my brain that me and bennett are OVER and ive moved on so why cant he.....but MADISON is my BEST FRIEND and she PROMISED she wouldnt go out with him.....but now it makes me seem selfish if i dont let her go out with him but to me its not fair that someone gets to be happy with him when i didnt....and he SAYS he broke up with me cause he never got to see me......well maidson lives in prescott and shell see him even less than i would.....but i was pretty sure he had a different reason for breaking up with me....but thats okay im over that now....i think well I hope so cause i have Jimmy and everything.....WHY ME?? of all the people this could happen to why me? Why did God pick me? I mean i hate it when people ask that question but God obviously has some kind of plan for me and it involves me cryin my eyes out hours befor church over a guy!!! I mean COME ON when do I get a break??? It's always me or one of my friends when is all this going to ya know END Do you hear me?? I'm tired of crying now!!! HELP ME!!! please?........... | | |
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